As recently noted, we’ve been busy and have been doing a juggling act between businesses, home renovation, and real life.
It’s no secret that this has been a tough year for me. I have certainly alluded to some struggles: worrying about everything, not appreciating the ones we love, and general confusion about what I should be doing with my life.
Ever since we met as teenagers, there have always been ups and downs between Cameron and I. Cam is an excellent communicator, and we usually come out of bad spells closer than ever, having learned a lot about the other person.
During a recent heart-to-heart conversation, we talked about love. We talked about what it means to be loving and show that the other person is special to you.
We both agreed that we could both be doing a little more in the department of secret love notes and general ooey-gooey niceness.
In my defence, I explained to him that I had been showing love in tangible ways. Like, didn’t he realize that when I went grocery shopping and I kept the pantry stocked with his favourite foods it meant love?
And didn’t he realize that once a year when I vacuumed under the bed that meant love?
And didn’t he realize that when I wash bowls in the bathroom sink it’s a tangible, real demonstration of my love?
“Don’t you get it?” I asked. “Food is love. Clean dishes mean love.”
“Oh.” He said. “I wasn’t really thinking about that as love. I thought that was just part of our relationship–the things we do for ourselves and each other on a daily basis. That’s not really the same thing as a foot massage or a love letter. Like, do you feel loved when I change the oil in the car?” He asked. “”Or do you feel loved and special when I clear snow from the driveway?”
“Oh.” I said. “No, when you do that stuff I just appreciate it, I guess. It doesn’t make me feel loved and special…per se.”
“No.” He said. “It doesn’t.”
We looked at each other. I blinked. He blinked.
Later that week, there were Post-It notes with hearts on them. And a rose found its way into our humble abode.
I recently realized that clean dishes are not love. Or they are just part of love–they are not all of it. And they are certainly not enough.
So maybe it’s okay to leave a pile of unwashed laundry in the hamper and instead take a long walk holding hands. In fact, maybe it’s absolutely necessary.
I took a Sociology of Gender class last semester and this post reminds me of one of the assigned readings (Cancian’s “The Feminization of Love”). In that piece, the author claims that men often feel instrumental displays of love are enough, while women demand emotional displays. There is one particularly sad (but funny) story of a man who is asked to show his wife love and promptly goes outside to wash her car. He is befuddled when neither his wife nor the researcher finds that this qualifies as a display of love. You did come to the same conclusion as Cancian though- both forms of love are important. Interesting to see this debate actually occurs in real life, and not just in the ivory tower :P
This is fascinating stuff. I like thinking about these big picture topics–why we do the things we do. I haven’t read the piece you mentioned, but I guess I do agree with Cancian based on what you explained. BUT I had to *realize* or *learn* to agree with him, as my natural inclination was to act like the man you mentioned who displays love through chores. :)
It’s funny how we do these things (aka live life) without really thinking about what we’re doing or why we’re doing it. But your example of Chore Man kind of made something very vague into something very specific, which made it look so silly when analyzed by the researcher and his wife. (I hope I just made sense.)
I do think there is still some validity to doing chores as a demonstration of love though… I know it’s not enough, but I do see the point and the motivation. Does that make me really lame?
It doesn’t make you lame at all! In fact, sociologists like Cancian would definitely approve of you- her main point was that love in our society has become too “feminized”, made all about the valentines, romantic songs, emotional displays, etc, while “masculine” displays of love (chores, shared responsibility, etc) have been devalued. She perceives this as dividing couples and the sexes, and making people feel inadequate at loving, so she promotes an “androgynous” love that mixes the two forms. She writes: “Who is more loving: a couple who confide most of their experiences to each other but rarely cooperate or give each other practical help, or a couple who help each other through many crises and cooperate in running a household but rarely discuss their personal experiences? Both relationships are limited. Most people would probably choose a combination: a relationship that integrates feminine and masculine styles of loving”. So- sounds like you have a sociologist and feminist approved thing going on :P
P.S. I promise I don’t usually go around spouting sociological theory- this is perhaps the first time I have felt compelled to apply my (mostly useless) undergraduate education to anything other than an exam.
This is good stuff that you wrote. I feel that it validates this topic. Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing. Am I just writing fluffy rambling, or am I trying to make a point? Usually I’m doing both, I guess. :)
I usually try to bring my little stories home to a broader topic but I don’t really know where I’m going with them. It’s like, “Ooh, there’s something going on here” but I don’t really know what exactly it is.
Interesting difference between the valentines-esque relationship versus the cooperative relationship. It seems very right that the ideal relationship should be a *balance* of the two. For us, it was becoming way too lopsided toward the cooperative side.
I’ve always been suspicious of an overly Valentine-esque relationship. We’ve never been that way in our relationship. Perhaps we’ve been abnormally practical. Partly one of the reasons that we never got married..?
This all seems very relevant towards real-life, don’t you think?
Nicely said indeed. I think that it is.
Love comes in many forms. It’s the expected and the unexpected. It’s the hand holding and special attention in the beginning. It’s letting the other person sleep in for once in the morning or enjoying something together that only one person usually does by their own self. But yes, it’s also the thank you or the kiss or the flower or the foot massage for no reason except love. It’s also creating and nurturing a dream life together as both of you have done.
Kristen, see, Bradley had it perfectly balanced before you mentioned the ideal. :)
Hi L-J
Noted! Question: Do Mars and Venus ever truly align? It seems to me that a man and a woman are made to compliment each other, not to be the same as each other.
Like a baseball and a baseball bat. When they come together in that certain unique and special way with the bases loaded.
Voila! The sound of “Crack!!!”
“Grand Slam home run” – Que the cheering crowds and the fireworks!!! Sweet!
Savor those moments.
Smiles :o)
Gary
Hehe, I like this analogy Gary. Men and women are so different in some senses. But in other ways I think we’re not so different after all.
Men tend to take on the role of being so responsible for the well-being of others. Cameron was recently telling me how responsible he had been feeling in the past when we first embarked on this journey. I hadn’t even realized that he had felt responsible for us, our safety, etc. I hadn’t even thought about it, but he had been very aware of it. Could be a gender roles thing.
Good post, Laura-Jane.
Having a talk about each other’s definitions of love is a great idea, as I imagine all of us have different concepts.
Also, it depends on who the romantic is in the family!
In my case, I’m the same as you – cooking his favorite meals, washing his clothes, buying his treats. What I expect from him (preferably on a regular basis) is ‘thank you, I really appreciate what you do’ or a simple ‘I love you.’
I don’t miss that he doesn’t leave me notes or buy me flowers. I like verbal confirmation, and physical affection, ie: hugs, handholding. When he grabs my hand when we go for a walk (and he always does) I know that I’m loved.
Huh. He’s so much better at expressing himself. I better ask him now what he expects from me, lol.
Kim, I find it surprising that you say that he’s better at expressing himself than you. I would think you be an excellent communicator and expresser. Although sometimes I think that us people who like to write are good at expressing ourselves on paper but not so good at doing it in the real world in the heat of the moment. Cam also likes physical affection as a demonstration of love. Like handholding, a good hug, pulling someone’s toes, etc. whereas I respond more to words, nice emails, cards, letters, etc. It’s good to know what we respond to and then act accordingly. Like at first I would communicate in my way (write him a card) but he would rather have a hug or a foot massage. So I had to learn to communicate more in his language, if that makes sense? (Took us eleven years to figure this stuff out…)
reminds of 2 movies: ‘eat drink man woman’ and ‘como agua para chocolate’ where love&communication happens through food and cooking… terrible romantic but beautiful!
I love good movies. We’ll have to seek those ones out. Thanks for the recommendations, I always like to know which movies are worth watching.
I think I’ve told you how much I enjoy reading your blog and your topics often prompt me to look inward and search my soul. It’s a good thing.
My husband once told me how he envisioned the way he wished to express his undying love for me, telling me some of those ways he daydreamed about. And then he said that when he tried, he fell short and he was disappointed with his lack of ‘ability’.
I found that being privy to his inner thoughts and knowing how he felt was very touching (even romantic). I accept him just as he is because I know the examples of ‘love’ he was shown all his young life were akin to the not-so-gentle side of hell on earth. Despite all of that, I know he is a tender hearted man who’d lay his life down for me in a heartbeat.
I came home the other day from my part-time ‘away from home’ job to the most wonderful steaming hot bowl of stew and buttermilk biscuits. He knows I like comfort food on a cold winter day. He does most of the cooking, is quite good at it, preferring the gourmet side of cooking. I know this is just one demonstration of his love for me. I don’t need the cards, flowers or gifts. I know what his heart desires to show me. It’s enough.
I didn’t need to read this entry! Yet – it is good to know the truth. Funny how our assumptions of what we think is showing love to one another is not always received the same way. Sucks. Just means we have to work harder at it. Which I suppose isn’t a bad thing.
Wonderful post.
Susan and I have been working on remembering to say, “I feel loved when you…”
It’s sometimes makes me laugh when Susan stops to tell me she feels loved because the bed is made and the house is clean when she comes home.
Also LJ – I “love” your honesty.
Love this post. It’s so true. We take those closest to us the most for granted and neglect to display our affection for them always, assuming, that they know the things we do are because we love them.
Thank you for sharing. Hopefully it helps us all to re-evaluate how we treat those around us.
Wonderful post. I just want to say that I love you both. Love just isn’t about couples its about loving people that are important to you.
Sooooooooo true. We love you too!
That’s a great lesson for us as well…life sometimes gets pretty hectic and we (meaning my wife and me specifically) lose track of stuff…thanks for jogging my memory too!
When I was up in Tofino recently, there is a dear friend of mine Earl, who just turned 80. He was telling me about how to listen for the “languages of love.” How Acts of Service can be showing love to one person but if the other person doesn’t receive love in Acts of Service it is not nearly as effective.
And ya know what’s funny is that I had a friend tell me about your post before I actually read it. Way over on Pender, your blog is becoming a conversation topic. Thank you!
Young lady you continue to amaze me! Given your previous accomplishments I should not have been the least bit surprised to find that your blog is an absolutely brilliant piece of writing! You’re a brave soul, keep up the great work, Mac