The past year has been full of glee, glory, stress, change, beauty and floundering.
After we arrived here on PEI and purchased our beloved Whimfield home, we’d achieved our goal–our life-dream. Our goal had been years in the making. The preceding years had been focused on working towards achieving our goal of selling everything, moving across the country and buying our dream home.
I didn’t realize until yesterday that since we achieved that goal I’d been floundering. My brain has been pulsing, “Now what?”
We bought the house of our dreams and winterized it. That was as far as my goal-oriented dreams had taken me. But I’d never stopped to plan, “What’s next?” Life is full of decisions, and I’ve been feeling betwixt and between. Without an overall life-goal, I have no reference point to help me make decisions.
Life really is full of decisions:
- Natural hair color or reddish brown from a box?
- A wardrobe full of high-heels and tight skirts or full of make-do jeans and second-hand shirts?
- Make time for gardening or spend every spare moment on my business?
- Career or simple life? What’s more important to me?
- Spend money or save money?
- Are we staying or are we going?
- Kitten or no kitten?
- Children or no children?
- Right or left?
- Vegetarian or lover of seafood?
- Do I love being self-employed or do I hate myself for it?
- Should I send for my cello or should I leave it where it is?
- Make time to relax or go-go-go?
- Make friends or hide under a rock?
- Do I love people and the human race or do I really want to fly away in a bubble all by myself?
- What makes me happy, anyway?
- Do I want all this?
- What is important to me?
- Was I happier before? Am I happy now?
- Maybe I should go back to school? Become a writer, teacher, counselor, baker…?
- What is my plan?????
Aarg! Pop! Brain explosion!
In order to answer the majority of these questions, I need a goal ahead of me to help me assess which decision is the right one. For example, if we’re going to stay in this house for next ten years, sure, a kitten fits in well with this plan. However, if the plan is to set off on another adventure when the timing is right, then best to forego the kitten and concentrate on the task at hand.
Similarly, I bought a box of hair-dye six months ago. I keep picking up the box and transferring it from hand to hand, looking in the mirror. It’s not that I worry about dying my hair; it’ll grow back. I’ve been a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead–that’s not the issue. The issue is that I don’t have a vision of my future so I don’t know what color my hair should be. Does that make sense?
I am floundering. My future could have a million paths and I can see them all.
- Do I like being known for this blog or do I want to recede into anonymity?
- Do I like being known as a business-owner or do I want to recede into anonymity?
These past few months have been tumultuous. I’ve flip-flopped; I’ve headed in one direction–on one path–only to stop and turn around again. I’ve been gloriously happy one moment and in the doldrums the next, longing for another path.
I now realize that I need a plan. I need a dream to keep me focused. I need to be working towards something. I need to pick a path.
But then I ask myself, “Why do you need something more? The trick is to be happy in the now. Don’t look toward the future. ‘It’ll be better when…’ and ‘I’ll be happy as soon as…’No. Be happy now. ”
When I started this blog, it was so obvious and everything came easily to me. I was on a path and was so focused on getting to my destination. This past year has not had that same clarity.
I recently realized all this and decided that it was time to sit down and re-evalute everything.
I’ve finally got this next year’s path committed in my mind. Finally, I know where I’m going and it sure feels good.
BE HERE NOW.
Hey, what IS your next year’s plan? :) You can’t just leave us hanging. Or can you … ?
BTW, I’ve been feeling the same way. We made the big move to PEI, cleared the land, built the house (well, it is still in progress) and have enjoyed the ride.
Now, I feel like selling it all and a) spend six months traveling around Canada, and b) finally make it to Alaska, and c) buy & live on a sailboat back on good ol’ Vancouver Island.
There’s also ‘d’ through to ‘z’ but I won’t bore you with those!
@Miki – Yes, Miki, YES! I hear you. Cameron is really good at “being here now.” I, however, have to work at it.
@Kim – Yes, I CAN! :P (For now.)
I am so glad you have your plan figured, all your ducks in a row but sometimes life just throws us a hiccup or two just to make sure we can get our heads back on strait.
Your head has seemed pretty secure and now it sounds like the path is clear of all the weeds and brambles.
In other words, sounds like clear sailing ahead for our dear Laura Jane, yes there will probably be more nooks and crannys, curves and hills and hollers ahead but you will come out on top.
Why? you ask??
Cause you have a plan and your head is on strait and as your picture shows, clear skys ahead.
Yes, nooks and crannies indeed, Freda. You’re totally right. I believe that life is full of both the good and the bad, and when we’re down we have to remember that we’ll be up again, and when we’re up we must appreciate it because we remember that there will be downs again, too. These nooks, crannies, curves and hills are what keeps life interesting. Same as the weather. If it was sunny all the time then we’d forget to appreciate the warmth and brightness. But it’s the seasons that keep us looking forward. Wise words, Freda…
First, let me start off by saying I LOVE THIS POST. When I started reading your list of choices I kind of got nervous…I thought perhaps you had tapped into my brain and were stealing my thoughts. I think we’re wired similarly. It seems I’ve spent the past year “getting my ducks in a row”. Apparently, I’ve been successful at it, but it has left me spinning in circles wondering what now or spinning in circles when things go awry. I’m working really hard on just being…living in the moment and enjoying what I have NOW. It’s hard…and easier said than done more times than not.
Good luck and if you learn any secrets for living in the now be sure to share them! :)
please dont duck into anonymity!! i absolutely can not stand making decisions (guess that’s why i still live here) so when you listed out so many decisions i was getting an anxiety attack!! deciding what to eat for dinner is stress enough for me. i wish you the best and hope you tell us your year plan very soon :)
Today’s expectations are immediate results, response, success, recognition, reward, all driven by the instantaneous features of our electronic media. Plans are like good wines: they take lots of time to develop. Don’t be disappointed that you have flip-flopped, alternated between happiness and the doldrums, or other such human inadequacies – its perfectly normal. You have hatched a plan in less than two years, while filling pages with great thoughts, and building your dream home, inspiring others, and living your life. You can be very proud of such an achievement. Keep your spirits high. Lots of love.
yours is such a big topic, I don’t have anything to add at this moment – but just want to ‘be on the screen’ right next to dad’s fine comments. Ditto from me; keep your spirits high, both you and Cam, and lots of love.
Yes, we love you Laura-Jane! And I love this entry.
I had a plan too…..to be in bed by 10:00, but since that time has passed long, long ago I will need to adjust my plan. Adjustments to previously made plans are allowed, right?
I think maybe you just need to pick slightly more unattainable dreams! :)
I highly recommend the book _Don’t Waste Your Life_. Service to one’s self is not the most fulfilling as those who’ve gone before us have proven. It’s just very hard to pry self from our measly, grubby, juvenile hands. What is life’s meaning? Is it found in comfort and security? I challenge you! If we serve self, will the world be a better place?
Laura Jane, I love this post. I have also been wrestling with changing my focus. Do I pursue happiness that could be unattainable, or do I pursue contentment?
Also, I require a goal in my life. Marc and I were just recently talking about this. I’ve also been thinking a lot about what drives us to stress and anxiety even when we seem to live such “ideal” lives.
Thank you. This post was like a voice in the dark, and it seems to have found many voices answering in unison. xo.
How could I ever recede into Whimfield anonymity? I would miss your words too much.
I love Whimfield. Hey have you seen Wilson yet?
Nope, Wilson, the ball we lost at the beach, is gone forever. I think he’s in Hawaii.
Not that I have ever met “Wilson the ball”, but I recently heard that there is a ever-circulating flow of current in the North Pacific Ocean where foreign objects such as “plastic” get trapped. It is a floating mass twice the size of the USA! (Sorry for this gloomy piece of info in an otherwise whimsical set of Visionary Comments. Have any of the rest of you heard about this floating mass of pollution?)
Of course Wilson won’t get there – he is in the Atlantic!! – In fact, how could he even get to Hawaii, Laura-Jane – you are thinking “west coast”! Lovingly, mom
I love what your Dad wrote. Wisdom such as this is like gold. Embrace it and believe the truth of it. I’m now old enough to vouch for what he’s saying.
Wonderful post Laura-Jane. I have been feeling this way lately too and it has been stifling my words – sometimes when I feel there is so much to write about I don’t write about anything. For me it is: work or stay home full-time with Moira? Part-time in-home child care or part-time out of the home child care? (Full time is not an option, I don’t want to leave her too much.) I have to say though, I laughed about the hair dye because I have been doing that too – unfortunately it isn’t a choice between a array of colours or my natural colour it is “grey or not?” and then I look at my beautiful blonde husband and young daughter and colour my hair.
Living in the now is tough. I have been reading a lot about Simple Living with Children and trying to slow things down a bit around here.
Hi L-J
I of course am as curious as everyone else as to what your year plan is. (we will just have to wait and see)
I wish you and Cam the very best with whatever you both will be doing. (I am sure that if it is your dream and you can see it then you can achieve it)
It is a privilege to have come to know you and I hope that I can call you my friend. You have both encouraged and inspired me over the past year. I have been concerned for you with being drawn in by your work to the point of not being able to come out to play with your friends.
I trust that your year plan will be balanced as balance is a key element to happiness.
Have a great year and when you can come visit. Sit long and talk much.
Actually you should be here in about an hour to bring back some things, bring me some things and talk about things. (maybe even your new year plan) lol
Smiles :o)
Gary
Not only this post but both of you are fantastic (!), even if what you do/have done seems ‘normal’. This gave me a refocus on my own ‘life ahead’. I’ve been following Whimfield a few months after you started it.
As a ‘gypsy’ child (family moving all the time as a kid) and even in the rest of my life, going to new places has always been an adventure (though tumultuous and fun school-wise). Always new friends in new places (including Canada).
Right now my wife and I are aiming towards Ontario from the lower 48. She already spent much of her life further south (closer to Antarctica). This aim (goal) truly happening relies so much on other factors that seem out of our control (immigration) yet ones that we do have some choice on (jobs).(yes, I know, Canadians are also looking for jobs there too but we’re not trying to take away their jobs; just create our own)
But when I’ve given all that we have and all that’s been accomplished so far in our lives, it’s all boiled down to seeing a goal, a dream, a picture in our minds of the signpost ahead; having a really strong belief that the next move/steps were the right ones; preparing to the best possible but ultimately just going forward.
Robin Lee Graham and his wife Patti went through the same thing after he returned from his sailing around the world. Discovering, experimenting, facing questions on what they wanted out of life given all that they had done and possessed in skills and experience. You’ve given some good thoughts on ‘refiguring’ for our own immediate lives and what we want out of everything. BIG THANKS!
{Sorry for such a long comment!}
@Mom – Lol, you are right about Hawaii. I am a west coast girl, aren’t I? Also, I have heard of that scary floating mass of plastic bits and garbage. What a sad state of affairs our planet is it.
@Michelle – My Dad would be pleased to know that you’ve vouched for him. I was touched but his words and told him so. Age=wisdom! Not always, but sometimes. :)
@Melanie – Do you think we’re always struggling with some kind of question or another? I am the same way with my words. Usually I can’t write about something until sufficient time has passed for me to get my head on straight.
@GG – Thanks for your hospitality this afternoon. :) As always, I appreciate your wisdom, ideas and kindness.
@Brad – Totally agree with your take on needing a vision. Sounds like you have a specific one. Not sure what to make of issues beyond one’s control (immigration and the like) except that the only thing that we can control is ourself and our own behaviour. If there’s a major, unsurpassable roadblock then visions and plans can change. But thus far in my experience things fall into place if we do as much work as possible towards truly achieving that goal. Plus, if at the end of the day things go amock (spelling?) then plans can adapt. Thanks for sharing. Keep us posted on your progress. Am curious to know at what stage you two are.
Also, I just read a book recently (Natalie Goldberg’s “Wild Mind”) that was about writing, but I think that these words of wisdom are universal, in that they speak to any topic:
“I often say to myself, when writing (or whatever) is hard, ‘There is no such thing as failure.’ The only failure is when you stop doing it. Then you fail yourself.”
My point being: if we take strides towards whatever it is that we want in life THAT VERY ACT is success, even if the goal is never achieved. The only failure is to not even take the strides.
Take Brad for example. If he and Mrs. Brad do everything that they can do make their dream materialize but in the end the Immigration People decide that Brad and Mrs. Brad simply must be kept out of Canada at all costs, how can that be failure? That is not failure. They will learn so much in the process and grow and change and get new ideas in the process. In this case, the only failure would be to not act toward their goal (provided that they really did want to achieve that goal).
See look! For the time being things are getting better because I actually have time to write comments on this here darling, dear, beloved blog!
Hi L-J
Thank you for your visit, your help and the book. (been reading some and stopped at lunch break)
Good to hear things are getting better. (already you are stepping out of your box) lol
I have heard of the place that old plastics collect in the Pacific Ocean. Here is a video that talks about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLrVCI4N67M
Didn’t know about Wilson but sounds like he got caught in one of our famous rip tides and got lost at sea. Maybe he will find his way to Greenland, Iceland or maybe even Ireland some day.
Wishing you succes with your project.
Smiles :o)
Gary
If anyone is interested in following the day to day research in the Pacific Plastic Patch here is a link to the research ship blog.
http://orvalguita.blogspot.com/2009/09/preparing-for-departure-10.html
You should be able to add it to your RSS Reader.
I know how you feel, and we’re no-where near done yet. We just got to a place where we can be comfortable, so I relaxed, so nothing’s happening.
But there’s so much still to do.
Go bright red. It rocks.
Think about having kids, they cut into your independence.
Get the kitten. Get two. That’s important.
W
@ Gary Gray – thanks so much for posting the links/information about the current research into the old plastics floating in the Pacific Ocean. I read it with great interest. I must admit to you all, though, that even I who cares about this problem use a heck of a lot of plastic stuffs every day, so I know I am part of the problem…
One of the big chain grocery stores here in Parksville BC has eliminated plastic bags at their check-out counters, and supplying heavier, thicker, sturdier plastic bags for sale, for customers to use over and over. But I wonder if this is a gimmick, so they can SELL these thicker bags, plus then SELL plastic bags for daily garbage-under-the-sink use – previously I was using my “free” plastic bags from the grocery store as daily garbage-under-the-sink receptacles, and putting these in my garbage can for weekly pick-up by the garbage trucks. …
OK, I must admit that if I lived alone, I’d be more capable of solving this problem: I’d use Paper Bags in my under-the-sink receptacle. It is my boyfriend’s food choices that add up to lots of plastic (he buys meat which these days is encased in plastic and styrofoam).
…Thanks for listening to my musings everyone. Best wishes to all, Marjorie
Marjorie
You are most welcome. I found it very interesting to research the topic.
I guess we are the only province with a province wide (only 140,000 people) plastic recycle program.
I posted a link to the guide on our Island Waste Watch for the plastic sorting.
http://www.iwmc.pe.ca/bluetwo.htm
I hope that it makes a small contribution to reducing the amount of plastic that ends up in the ocean.
“Every journey begins with a single step” I can’t remember who said that.
Smiles :o)
Gary
Well, I am glad you have a plan…I hope it involves keeping in touch as your journey continues!
Is Cameron a take-life-day-by-day guy or is he a push-and-strive type? (I am more personally familiar with the latter).
I wonder if this is more usual among women, to need to know all the answers ahead of time. We exhaust ourselves and feel jittery. Although this isn’t true of you, many women decline to undertake new things precisely because they don’t know all the answers. Many of the questions don’t even need answers.
If I learn, or am reminded of, anything when I come to PEI, it’s “Let the wind move to your back.” Let yourself lean back, release all those questions, and allow your life however it wants to be. Answers arrive, all it takes is that a question has been asked. Going from 0 to 100 would feel great to me too, but in my most honest depths, I know that I want to be able to say that I took the whole trip.
My grounding thought of the moment (it changes weekly) is “What do I need to get done today?”, and trust that everything else will be fine.
I vote for natural hair colour. Reddish-brown from a box sets up a lot of tension. You could go for a brighter lipstick but that would be disharmonious with your fabulous winter boots. I didn’t know any Canadian reached adulthood without a pair of those fine things. Those are my dog-walking boots, but I’ve often found myself at the mall and Canada Tire in them. Do post pictures if you do the hair!!
Please. Do not “recede into anonymity”..at least not yet. I think you two may becoming sage like to me (don’t worry…I’m lucid).
I’m working up the jam to leave my job after Christmas and do the same, although it may be Cape Breton for me.
Keep up the good work.
Ken (Vancouver)
Ooh yes, it does take jam! You’ve got a timeline, which is good.
Cape Breton.. Have you heard this song about Cape Breton, “The Island”? I found it quite touching when we were moving east.
I watched a young girl from Cape Breton sing it on Youtube last night..it was touching like you said. Those people really have an identity..it’s heart warming…I like that….thanks.
Ken
I am so glad you enjoyed it. I was hoping you would, Ken. How’s your jam coming?